Pain and Death found in a Hallway of Doors

8 Sep


What happens when your own manifestations leave you left in the dark?  Your imagination runs away with itself and your left standing there frightened by the very creations you gave birth to.  Have you arrived to early or opened you eyes to late?  Sometimes all that we understand and all that we have experienced without knowing how to process, contain, let go or digest can lead us into a state of insanity and in that moment down the hole we go, into the darkness scared and alone with the reality of being silenced.  But is that really what  happened to me or is that simply what I thought  and experienced in my own mind.  My death had awoken these senses inside of me and my sight had been blasted wide open and not knowing how to understand what I was experiencing i channeled allot of it through my art and began unknowingly to share my own story and though I understood compassion I had none for myself as i thrashed within over indulging in every emotion and all in my surroundings.  My ego grew and began to run rampet and the trail of disaster burned beside every step I took.  So where did this journey lead me?  To what some would easily call the taking of my own life but what I saw and experienced on that floor that day rattled something deep and stirring inside the pits of disappear inside myself and once unleashed took me in a whole other direction that would eventually lead me to burn down everything I knew to be true only to rise into the woman I have become.  Not all come from this happy balanced family, not all are born with understanding of the world around us nor do all find security and serenity in our homes or communities.  Some are hidden from the reality and in the midst of chaos and darkness remain dormit in the innocence of a child until the day they are awoken by a great crash from within….Some beauty steps out of the sadness and in some places of the world the greatest and most beautiful of creatures come from the darkest of places and rises into the light in order to stand.

I can not share my story as it actually happened in truths that only reflects upon the analytical fact by fact of each occurrence.  As i am a creature of emotion and  I do in fact feel and reflect and project unto the world as it effects me personally and in doing so invokes responses inside myself that I am still learning to navigate through in my life time.  I can share my stories as they were for me in my experiences and from my perspective of how I moved through them and in


I was living up in Saettle, Wa in the beginning of 2004 and though I had found a safe haven amongst peers in my community , I never felt so alone inside.   The Red Ant had manifested into a conscious state of being and became her own Identity and no longer just a story of expression being told.  Rachel the Girl had found herself lost somewhere inside and was screaming to find her own way out.  Like a child i felt I had denied my true self for so long that by unleashing what was buried inside I had unleashed this sense of self i didn’t truly identify with but this persona grew and latched on and created a side of myself that was able to overcompensate for the fear I felt inside.  It was inflamed with rage, pride, ego and a sense of self entitlement to protect everything it had conquered from within.  My emotions became the experiences I was having and I left nothing to separate myself from what I was feeling and who I was and my own Co-existence and part of creating this state of madness.


It was a week or so after my “Medusa” fashion show where I depicted my own human sacrifice of self.  I woke from a slumber feeling restless and enraged inside myself.  I began to thrash so fiercely inside myself I literally destroyed my studio space.  I sat sobbing on the floor screaming and sobbing in the mess I fallen into in my space.  I cant express what exactly was going on with me other than I was ripping in two inside myself.  Something was terribly off balance , whether emotional, cognitive, or spiritual , something was breaking and I couldn’t stop it.  I rocked myself on the floor where i sat kneeled on  the floor with feet upon my chest . i sat there until i became numb inside and silence washed over me.  I stood and walked down the stairs and into the house and across the hall into the bathroom.  I felt as if I was in a trance, completely numb to the world around me or me in it.  I pulled out two full boxes of sleeping pills and sat on the bathroom floor .  I compiled the pills and slowly began to eat them one at a time like candy being given to a child.  I sat up and and turned the water on  the shower in the bathtub and stopped the plug so it began to fill.  Fully clothed i emerced myself into the water.  I laid there floating in silence while the water rained down on my body still numb from the pain it didn’t want o feel anymore.  I laid there as i felt my body begin to let go.  i could feel myself slipping down that tunnel as i was begin to slip from my existence,  This peacefulness and serenity washed over me and the fear was slipping away.  Then I heard the voice, it sounded like a man outside the bathroom door, a knock at the door inside my head.  It was calling my name and asking me to come and open the door and come outside the room.  i sat up and tried to follow the voice.  I fell to the ground and I opened my mouth to speak and no words were able to find themselves.  No sound could find its way outside myself.  Fear began to wash over me, and I wanted the voice to return to comfort me once again and it did.  It asked me to open the door and I listened as I  pushed past the feeling of falling and slipping and I reached up and opened the door.  I somehow found myself standing in the hallway of the house.  To my left was hallway of doors, each room was shut but where the kitchen doorway would be was glowing white.  i looked to my right and it appeared to be more doorways and stairs.  I heard the voice once more and I looked in front of me which there appeared to be a pillar in the middle of two doorways.  one was glowing and i could hear the voice softly speaking to me.  Asking me if I needed help.  I stumbled to the pillar and leaned my vacant body against it.  i could see two figures sitting . One was glowing blue and green, and purple.  he was just sitting staring ahead but he radiated warmth and sweet peacefulness.  Next to the figure was another filled with male energy and glowing orange, yellow and red.  Bright , almost blinding and then the voice called out again and it was this figure of light that I was hearing.  But he didn’t seem to notice me, he  was just looking ahead in silence unaware of my presence standing outside the doorway.  i tried to call out but so sound would find its way.  I began to attempt to call louder but still nothing and then it came and it sounded so far outside myself I couldn’t believe it was my own voice.  The figures both turned and looked at me in wonder.  they stood and came to where i was standing.  i slumped down to the floor and looked up at them. I could see them talking above me and I could hear them but was unable to move or speak.  I just stared from my vacant eyes staring back at them.  They seemed to be searching to finding me through their gaze.  I could see the light in their eyes searching and I could hear that voice asking me ,do you want help.  It told me if i wished I could just follow it and it would guide me out of this.  I followed the voice for what felt like time standing still.  My head nodded and then and only then did the figure see and acknowledge I was somewhere inside this body of mine.


I did not go to the hospital that night and I never fell from consciousness.  I sat staring all night somewhere  between the waking and silence of my own death.  No words ever fell from my lips and I would sit in that state until the sun would rise the next day.  But what i was seeing and feeling was this overwhelming feeling of being connected to all and yet nothing.  All sorts of understandings found their way to the for front of my mind.  The sense that we  are not alone and are all  just souls  pumping into each other and crossing paths sharing our own stories that go on and on forever repeating cycles and unraveling themselves only to intertwine into itself all over again.  Constantly mirroring our own reflections in the world and those we surround ourselves with.   Constantly reflecting our own image in hopes to replay the story out,  just one more time in hopes to find understanding and correct the links that have attached themselves to create these cycles of existing in the non existent.   If i could locate the pattern and Identify it, if I could look at my own reflection in the world and see all sides of myself and learn to embrace and understand……..If Only I could grasp all that was being said  through this rush of time being swept over me.


If Our past and present and future all truly existent in this moment we call now,  Then life repeats itself in patterns that we co-create in order to allow us to relive old experiences giving opportunity to correct what we did not understand and give a new connection to the pattern in which we have clung to causing the cycles to grow strong deep within us as individuals experiencing our lives.

If each of us has a darkness and light that burns within us deep and encoded further back then time and existence of self then and only then through balance of embracing both sides and learning to love both and allow compassion and forgiveness,  finding a place for both to co-exist in our world we create for ourselves will we find a higher sense of self where we are free to express, explore and grow in our achievements of who we truly are without dominance of one extinguishing the other. Both burn Bright and serve a purpose for our own self discovery and breaking of cycles passed down through blood lines.

THEY ARE NOT JUST CLOTHES, THEY ARE AN EXPERIENCE WAITING TO HAPPEN….step into your imagination and manifest your own story…….

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2 Responses to “Pain and Death found in a Hallway of Doors”

  1. bellsandstitches December 24, 2013 at 6:39 am #

    Reblogged this on CONFESSIONS AND SECRETS.


  1. Pain and Death Found in a Hallway of Doors - The Psychic Connection - September 22, 2013

    […] (Originally posted at The Red Ant Blog) […]

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